I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
there is glitter all over my balls
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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