my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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