just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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