Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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