Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Randomize
