I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
