I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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