You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
