i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
