Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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