You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
