Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I think I sprained my soul last night
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
