I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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