someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Please, let me fuck your mom
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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