Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
