You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
What a dumb baby whore.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
