He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
