Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
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