His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
