She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm getting married
To pizza
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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