On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just google imaged poop.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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