I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
