Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Randomize
