I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
