Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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