Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
