Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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