You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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