what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
