Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
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