i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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