this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I pour the whiskey from now on
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
