Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
