the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
