I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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