Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
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