If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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