you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
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Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
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We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.