You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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