I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
they need to just BURY HIM!
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
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