i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
why do cheetos always look like penises
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am mentally ready for anal.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize