I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
it glows. i had to have it.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
