After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
