god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
