The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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