I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
