Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
