Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Randomize
