Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
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