You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
