I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
