just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
