theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
