Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
