some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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