I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
