Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
