There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
