You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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