Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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