I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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