I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Randomize
