He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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