I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
