Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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