Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
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