doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Randomize
