I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
Randomize
