Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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