Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Randomize
